Want More Yeses Four Simple Phrases That Give People a Real Choice Says Psychology Expert
Many people think that getting someone to say “yes” is about persuasion, making the perfect argument, choosing the right words, or asking nicely. But decades of research suggest something counterintuitive: One of the most reliable ways to get to a “yes,” is to give the other person permission to say “no.” Studies have shown that across all kinds of situations, from marketing to negotiations to everyday requests, simply adding a line like, “but you are free to accept or refuse,” makes people far more likely to comply. It taps into one of our deepest psychological needs: autonomy. When people feel pressured, they resist. But when they feel they have a choice, they tend to engage more willingly and push back less. I’ve spent the past decade advising Fortune 500 companies as an educator and behavioral researcher, and I’ve seen this principle outperform the hard-sell. Here are four simple phrases you can use to put this principle into practice.
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When you explicitly tell someone they don’t have to agree
When you explicitly tell someone they don’t have to agree, it immediately lowers defensiveness. Their nervous system relaxes, and the decision shifts from compliance under pressure to a choice made voluntarily. When to use it at work: When to use it at home: Examples:
This phrase reduces social pressure
This phrase reduces social pressure, which is a hidden driver of resentment and avoidance. Research shows that people push back when they feel expected or pressured to do something. Even cooperative people can resist when a request feels like an obligation. When to use it at work: When to use it at home: Examples:
Time pressure hurts decisions — this phrase helps
This phrase is particularly effective in moments when you are on a clock, or a performance evaluation is a factor. When people feel they are being rushed into agreement, they make worse decisions, then regret them more afterwards. Removing that pressure improves satisfaction with the outcome. When to use it at work: When to use it at home: Examples:
Protecting mental bandwidth and genuine engagement
This phrase protects both the mental and emotional bandwidth of the recipient. Feeling obligated to respond, even to small messages, creates low-level stress. Removing that expectation reduces avoidance and increases genuine engagement. When to use it at work: When to use it at home: For example:
Autonomy boosts follow-through and respect
These phrases all offer a sense of autonomy the exact moment it is most likely to feel threatened. In return, the people you engage with will follow through more reliably, feel more respected, and respond with more honesty. Shadé Zahrai is an award-winning peak performance educator, behavioral researcher, and leadership strategist to Fortune 500 companies. She is the author of “Big Trust: Rewire Self-Doubt, Find Your Confidence, and Fuel Success.” She earned her doctorate from Monash University. Follow her on LinkedIn, Instagram, YouTube, and TikTok. Want to give your kids the ultimate advantage? Sign up for CNBC’s new online course, How to Raise Financially Smart Kids. Learn how to build healthy financial habits today to set your children up for greater success in the future.
Closing note and next steps
Want to give your kids the ultimate advantage? Sign up for CNBC’s new online course, How to Raise Financially Smart Kids. Learn how to build healthy financial habits today to set your children up for greater success in the future. Shadé Zahrai is an award-winning peak performance educator, behavioral researcher, and leadership strategist to Fortune 500 companies. She is the author of “Big Trust: Rewire Self-Doubt, Find Your Confidence, and Fuel Success.” She earned her doctorate from Monash University. Follow her on LinkedIn, Instagram, YouTube, and TikTok.
