The 30-Second Rule That Could Rewrite Every Conversation (Even If You're Awkward)
There’s no one alive who doesn’t feel anxiety about making small talk. The difference between those who seize opportunities and those who miss them isn’t a natural gift—it’s training and strategy. Great conversationalists aren’t born; they follow a set of rules, just like improvisers or actors. New York Times bestselling author and founder of the Maxwell Institute, John C. Maxwell, had a simple rule: within the first 30 seconds of a conversation, say something encouraging to a person. That tiny nudge can change the tone of a chat in any setting—from work to a party to a date—and open doors you didn’t realize were there.
In This Article:
Small talk Is a Skill You Can Learn
Many people feel anxious about small talk, and the brave ones turn that fear into opportunity. The difference between confident, sociable people and those who stumble is not luck or magic—it’s a practiced approach. They don’t count on a mysterious “gift of gab.” They use a strategy, rules, and techniques to put everyone at ease, just like people who perform improv or act on stage. Maxwell’s view of relationships echoes this: those who add to us draw us to them; those who subtract cause us to withdraw.
30-Second Lines That Lift People Up (Work, Party, and Date)
At work: “Wendy, I heard you did great on yesterday’s conference call.” “Frank, I hear the clients really love working with you.” At a party: “Mohammed, I really loved those pictures you posted on Instagram from your trip to Mexico.” “Sang, are we going to get some of your incredible barbecue today?” On a date: “Thanks for choosing such a great restaurant; it has such a nice ambiance.” “I really like the way your necklace brings out your eyes.”
Be Generous and Genuinely Interested
The key to encouragement is sincerity. If you aren’t genuine with your compliments, your words can feel condescending and backfire. Studies show that encouragement lifts mood and energy. Psychologist Henry H. Goddard found tired children perk up when spoken to kindly, while negative remarks left them more exhausted. The link between being likeable and being genuinely interested in others is strong. As William King put it: “A gossip is one who talks to you about other people. A bore is one who talks to you about himself. And a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself.”
Become a Brilliant Conversationalist
Every new conversation is an opportunity to share words of encouragement and to show genuine interest in the other person. With practice, you’ll be seen as someone who adds value to conversations, not someone who drains them. This article originally appeared in May.
