I Invited My Boyfriend’s Ex into Our Bed — Now He Wants Us to Live as a Throuple
A reader confesses a choice that seemed like a bold relationship experiment but has spiraled into a crisis: inviting her boyfriend’s ex into their bed. The ex has joined them in intimate encounters, with the first time happening when the writer was very drunk at a party. She remembers dragging her boyfriend into an empty room, and suddenly the ex was there too and invited to join. The fumbling, sweaty, grubby sex was good. A few nights later, she was greeted at the flat by the ex and a box of wine, and they ended up naked again. That pattern has continued, and now he wants the ex to be with them full-time. But she doesn’t want that. She is in an impossible situation: she loves him and relies on him, she’s estranged from her family, has few friends, and feels she has nowhere else to go.
In This Article:
What Happened: The Escalation from Casual to Full-Time Polyamory
The escalation began at a party, when she was very drunk and invited the ex to join them. The three of them shared an intimate moment—the first time the ex joined in, and the memory is described as: "the fumbling, sweaty, grubby sex was good." A few nights later, the ex showed up at the flat with a box of wine and they were naked again. That pattern has persisted, and now the boyfriend wants the ex to live with them full-time. She is not sure she wants this arrangement, but she’s already deeply entangled—with love for him and fear for herself. She remains uncertain about what comes next and worries about being sidelined in her own home.
The Power Dynamic at the Center: “It’s His Flat”
Jane’s verdict centers on one sentence: “It’s his flat.” That line captures who holds the control: the boyfriend owns the space and calls the shots. Polyamory can work when everyone gives clear consent and boundaries, but this is not a dance she agreed to. The worry isn’t only about sex; it’s about belonging, safety, and being treated as a partner rather than a afterthought. The writer wonders if the boyfriend is secretly reconnecting with his ex behind her back, edging her out, and whether he sees a future with her or with the ex. Questions of honesty, future plans, and whether family or friends can support her fill the foreground of her mind.
Jane’s Guidance: Boundaries, Communication, and Self-Priority
Jane starts with a blunt truth: “Your boyfriend holds all the power. (…) If he wants the ex to move in, then it’s game over.” She notes that consensual non-monogamy exists, but insists it must be chosen by everyone involved and not imposed on one person. Her practical guidance is to talk openly about vulnerability, honesty, and the future. Discuss whether the ex is truly welcome, what the living arrangements look like, and whether you can share a space without losing yourself. She also emphasizes practicalities: who pays bills, who cooks, who cleans, and who sits back while you wait on them. And she asks the hard questions: is he in love with her? Does he see a future with her? If you can’t reach a mutual agreement, you may need to reconsider the relationship.
Next Steps: Decide Your Path and Protect Your Wellbeing
The overarching message is clear: boundaries and consent must be mutual and respected. Polyamory can work for some, but only if you feel safe and heard. Be honest about your own needs. If you can’t reconcile this with your values or if the living arrangement threatens your wellbeing, it’s okay to walk away and seek a path that honors you. Note that Jane’s column invites readers to write in for help, but she cannot respond to individual letters and not all problems are published. You can still seek support from trusted friends or family as you navigate this tough situation. If you’re facing something similar, you’re not alone—your voice matters, and you deserve a home and a relationship that respects you.
